Recorded by: Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers
Written by: Ray Johnson, Kevin Blackmore and Wayne Chaulk
Now listen folks, we’re firm believers in the fact that Newfoundlanders can communicate more quickly than anyone anywhere on the face of the earth. Before we go any further in this show, we’re gonna proceed to demonstrate that fact to you and here’s how we’re gonna do it. Ray and I will give you standard, boring English expressions and Cocky here will turn it into Newfunese. Ok?
Kevin: You never told me that.
Ray: You look surprised.
Kevin: You never told, we never practiced this.
Ray: You don’t need the practice, sure look at you, you can do anything. See now if you can interpret this in Newfunese. “Despite the present adversity, maintain your composure”.
Kevin: “Hang on to yer drawers!”
Ray: Very good!
Kevin: They liked that, they liked that. There’s nutting to that sure, nuttin’ to it.
Wayne: Now listen Kevin, try another one. Try this one: “I am highly agitated, I’m think I’m headed for a nervous breakdown.”
Kevin: “Me nerves is rubbed right raw”.
Ray: You don’t need to be nervous for this. Sure you’re doing a wonderful job
Kevin: Yessir, buddy.
Ray: This one should be fairly easy for ya. “Pardon me sir, to what are you referring?”
Ray: They don’t come any better than that, do they b’y?
Kevin: Job to get it any shorter than than, hey? That’s what we calls efficient language, hey?
Wayne: “The financial situation is so depressing I think we’re headed for total economic collapse.”
Kevin: “Da arse is gone right out of ‘er”.
Ray: Now Kevin, I’d like to change the pace here for a minute and just see if you can take your ears back, go back a few years, and think of someone by the name of William Shakespeare. Are you familiar with William Shakespeare?
Kevin: Oh yes, oh yeah, I knows him from a long ways back, he got the welding shop down in Musgravetown, yeah.
Ray: No, no, no
Kevin: Bill, Ralph’s brudder?
Kevin: Yeah, Bill, whatever, yeah, Ralph’s brudder that owns the welding shop. YES HE OWNS THE WELDING SHOP IN MUSGRAVETOWN! I KNOWS CAUSE I OWES THE BUGGER 50 BUCKS!
Kevin: Whatta ya mean no?
Ray: No the fella I’m thinking about was a man who put wonderful words on paper.
Kevin: I dunno about that buddy, but he can weld the arse on a cat. Bill, Bill, write on paper. He’s lucky if he can put an X down by his name.
Ray: Probably if I recited this for you it might come back to you and tell you who he is. “To be or not to be, that is the question.” William. Translation?
Kevin: “You is or you isn’t, I figgers.”
Ray: That’s not bad.
Wayne: Try this one: “I have temporarily lost control of certain involuntary muscles due to laughter.”
Kevin: “I pissed meself.”