Recorded by: Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers
Written by: Wayne Chaulk
Margaret O’Brien? Marg? Margaret, come over my dear, come over, come over. How are ya? My God look at ya! You’re not getting no prettier! Well you never come from much now did ya? My God Almighty, how long has it been now since I seen you? Been a year I spose hasn’t it? Last week? G’wan. I don’t remember that. Well, they says you know the memory is the first thing to go. I don’t know about that though, my dear.
Well, my dear, ’tis strange I don’t hear talk a you. My God, hey, you consider that, hey, not hearing talk of someone around here, cause they’re like crows on a wire around here my dear, they’re always talking and talking and talking my dear. Yes, my God almighty, talk, my dear, and they can talk, I assure ya. They can talk, yes, my God almighty. You take Gert Young down there, well the sacred heart of the Blessed Lord. Sure that’s the real motor mouth isn’t it? Turbo tongue herself hey? Her husband Jack says, you know, if they ever crosses Gert with a codfish they’re gonna make a fortune on tongues. Yeah. But he’s right you know, she’s got the vicious big tongue hey. I finds meself trying not to stare at it when she’s talking to me. What a wagger! Must weigh in a good pound and a half. And tis all rapid fire you know, one direction. She never gives up, I finds it right disgusting I do my dear. Yes and that’s what I do, Marg. Yes I know. That what I do my dear. And they’re like it around here sure, one’s as bad as the next.
Sure Maisie Jones, I was over to Maisie Jones’ last week and I got trapped in there for 2 hours. Trapped! Trapped is the word too, my dear, caged! Yeah. Yes my dear, Chinese water torture got nothing on it. I goes in and sits down and says “will you have somet’ing to eat Suse?” And I says, “No my dear I’m not going to stay”, and she hauls everything out of the fridge and the cupboard and puts it on the table. Two hours that woman fired and she hardly drew a breath of air! She don’t need half the oxygen a normal person needs! She’s like one of those airtight stoves with the drafter wide open all the time! After the second cuppa tea when the caffeine struck in, well sacred heart of the Blessed Lord, I mean she was like one of those wind up ducks you sees on TV that you wind up and quacking and kicking, quacking and kicking, quacking and kicking, you know. Only thing is her battery pack don’t lose its juice, she’s up on bust all the time that one. Even when she’s sleeping, my dear that one is at it. Yes, and they’re all the same around here, my dear, you can be sure of it, Marg my dear. My God Almighty. (Draws a deep breath).
Rosie Tucker, that’s another one. Rosie? I hope to tell ya. Rosie talks that much her cat won’t come in the house. Her Bud he won’t make a peep my dear. He’s afraid to. He’s afraid my dear he might start her up in the morning and then she’ll go on for the day. Yeah, the whole thing is disgusting my dear. You should hear what her husband Wince says about her. My God see, I mean he tells me stuff he wouldn’t tell no one else. Now Marg my dear, this is just between you and me, I’m not one to repeat gossip, you knows that, so I’m only gonna tell you once: but he said if it was rigged up proper, she could lift a 40 pound weight with her tongue! That right my dear. He said, no fear if she ever loses her arm she’ll still be able to draw water up from the well. Yes, I know, my dear. No fear out in the boat, he says, no fear out in the boat of losing the oars because she could **** upon the lawn. I say she could substitute for an outboard engine if she mind to put that head under water. Yeah. My God, they’re all the same around here though. (Draws a deep breath).
And that’s not the best of it. You knows Wince and the stuff he tells me. My dear. You knows the little streel they got over there, young Cyril, about so high hey? That’s the one my dear. Well my God, when Rosie was having him, she talked right on through the childbirth. That’s what Wince says, yeah. Wince tells me this, yeah. Talked, right on through the childbirth. Twelve hours labour my dear and she didn’t shut her yap! He said if her other end was yapping so much as her mouth she woulda chewed up the poor youngster!
What about Beulah Dicks? Hmm? Beulah Dicks? Oh my God Almighty, Beulah Dicks. My God got more lip than a coal bucket! Got more to say now that Preston Manning on a chocolate fit! Beulah Dicks. I knows, look I knows I was out with her and her husband Ralphie last summer bakeapple pickin’ up on the bogs and my God what a hard time that woman was having of it. See, the black flies was so t’ick you couldn’t see the beer bottle in your hand you know. We were going across the bog and she’d be going and talking and tripping across the bog you know. And accordin’ the berries get bigger and juicer she’d start, the froth would start formin’ on her mouth you know. And she’d be going and talking. And after a while, she’d have to suck in for a bit of air, you know. And she’d be just like the Electrolux vacuum cleaner (sucking in air) and all the flies was stickin’ on her tongue like snot on a picket fence! And her husband Ralphie, you knows how big he is? You know, you could blow him over with a good fart! He says to her, he says, “Well my dear Beulah, why don’t you keep your mouth shut?” Well, my God, I mean World War 3 right there – Kaboom! She laced straight into him, my dear and she didn’t let up. Two hours later we was driving home and she was still naggin’ at’im and natterin’ at’im, my God Almighty! And then a big moose popped up on the road and he plowed into the side of that one and the first time that woman shut up in 25 years was when the air bag got caught across her throat! My God Almighty, good as a concert! Yes my God. That’s right, Marg my dear. Oh yes, and they’re all like it around here. (draws a big breath)
But you know somet’ing, Marg, my dear. You know somet’ing? The mother of all talkers around here, the mother of all talkers, the Queen herself, that’s Irene Gibbons. Irene Gibbons, my God Almighty, not only do she talk a lot, she’s loud. Oh yes, she could cut a channel through young ice when she gets going. She can drown out the fire siren that one can my dear. If you’re stood up next to her when she bawls at one of the youngsters she’ll bust up the stones in your kidneys. Ultrasound, my dear, she invented ultrasound. Her husband Dick could be over in the Cove with the chainsaw going and she’ll bawl out to ‘im to come home for supper my dear and he’ll hear first time every time. And that’s without his hearing aid in. And that’s why he’s deaf! You’d be deaf too if you have to live with the likes of that for 35 years. You knows sure for God sakes. She’s responsible for the depletion of the cod stocks. Yea, that’s right my dear. Anytime they’re out in the boat she’ll bawl at one of the youngsters and dead fish floats up to the top of the water. Sonic concussion hey? Yes my dear and that’s what they calls it, sonic concussion. Tis like they all got a disease or a contusion or something around here or something like they gotta keep going and going and going. And like if you’re around ’em very long my dear, you could starve for oxygen they talks that much. They sucks in all the air my dear, and hogs the oxygen. Yes my dear, and they’re all like it around here, every last one of ’em. Make ya sick, make ya sick. I don’t know what to do about it, my dear.
And they could be talking about you or me right now ya don’t know. Tis left or right, tis dis one or dat one, tis up and down my dear, it’s all over the place, they could be. And my dear is your ears burnin’? That’s what you gotta ask yourself, is your ears burnin’? They could be talking about you right now. Is your ears burnin’, Marg? Hey? Is your ears burnin’? Ha. I wonder. I wonder. Cause I mean to say around here, you’re likely to be the subject all the same, don’t matter who you are hey? Yes my dear, and they’re all the same around here, talk, talk, talk. My dear, that’s all they do around here.
Hey? Yes my dear, you got to go, you got to go. G’wan. No don’t bother with me, my dear, no, no, I’m gonna find me way home but don’t worry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hmm, yeah, hmmm, yes my dear, all right. Come over sometime for a chat. Yeah, okay my dear. Yep, we’ll see you around. Yeah, all right Marg. Bye.
Never shuts up, that one don’t.