Recorded by: Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers
Written by: Wayne Chaulk


UP ON BUST THE D&C TAKEOUT Yank: Well, good day Ma’am.
Waitress: I don’t see what’s so good about it
Yank: What do you mean?
Waitress: Just right mauzy b’y. Clothes is stuck right on to me luh. I hates it like this. Jumpin’s, old man, where are you from to like weather like this?
Yank: I’m from Maryland.
Waitress: Ooh, I got a first cousin from down there.
Yank: Oh you do?
Waitress: Yeah, he’s not right from there
exactly. He’s from about three miles down the shore in Cape Broyle. Yeah. Now what do ya want my son, come on. I got work to do.
Yank: Tell me, uh, what’s your soup of the day?
Waitress: Vegeblepeaturkey.
Yank: Pardon?
Waitress: Vegeblepeaturkey, you deaf or what?
Yank: Oh no, I don’t think so. Yeah, why don’t I have the turkey soup.
Waitress: No, it don’t work like that b’y.
Yank: How come?
Waitress: You could have had the turkey soup yesterday. And the day before that you could’ve had the pea and the day before dat you could’ve had the vegeble, but this marning, we trow’d ’em all together ’tis vegeblepeaturkey.
Yank: And tell me, is it tin soup?
Waitress: No, it’s right t’ick! Now you could have a salad if you wants a salad.
Yank: Oh, you have salad do ya?
Waitress: Yeah we got salad.
Yank: Is it fresh?
Waitress: Oh nutting but the freshest kind of lettuce my son.
Yank: Oh good, I like that.
Waitress: Yeah, yeah, John Wong grows the lettuce for us right up in his garden.
Yank: Oh, you mean here in town?
Waitress: Yeah.
Yank: Good, I like that.
Waitress: They says he craps in his garden.
Yank: Pardon?
Waitress: They says he craps in his garden but he don’t.
Yank: Good, good.
Waitress: He craps in a bucket and trows dat in his garden. What kind of dressing do you want on it?
Yank: Uh, I’m going to pass on the salad, sorry, I’m going to pass on the salad.
Waitress: Most people do. Well b’y, you better make up your mind cause I got work to do, I’m drove right off my head here b’y.
Yank: Oh, so you’re busy are ya?
Waitress: Oh my son, busy? Look, I’m gonna tell ya I’m drove. Drove my son, I’m drove.
Yank: You’re “drove”?
Waitress: Yes my son, I’m drove. Here one minute look I’m in the toilets, wit me hands into the toilet bowl cleaning dat out and the next minute I’m in the pastry bowl in the kitchen my son, I fergets which is which. And that reminds me look, if you’re going into dat can, my sonny by lift up the toilet seat because I’m gonna tell ya most fellers goes in there you wouldn’t know but they was tomcats they got everything sprayed all over in there.
Yank: So, uh, lemme see. You don’t mean to tell me you work here alone do you honey?
Waitress: No. Eli works in the kitchen.
Yank: Eli?
Waitress: Eli. But he’s only part time eh?
Yank: Part time?
Waitress: Yeah, on the garbage truck in the afternoons he is.
Yank: Garbage truck?
Waitress: Yeah.
Yank: I see.
Waitress: Yeah. Well, buddy, whattaya want?
Yank: Well, listen, why don’t I have a steak?
Waitress: Can’t do dat fer ya b’y.
Yank: How come?
Waitress: No steaks.
Yank: Ya have no steaks?
Waitress: Albert the owner was supposed to pick up some. He’s gone down to Corner Brook for a dart tournament. He’s not back yet. I dare ‘low he’s dat drunk now he’s gonna forget his wife on the way up.
Yank: I see. So meat, steaks are out.
Waitress: Hmm.
Yank: Well listen, I am in New-FOUND-land, why don’t I have some fresh codfish?
Waitress: You might be in Newfoundland my son, but you must be from Mars.
Yank: Why, what do you mean?
Waitress: Ever since the moratorium we’ve been feeding Kraft dinner to the gulls.
Yank: I see. Well listen, uh, while I’m making up my mind trying to find something here, maybe you could bring me a muffin.
Waitress: I can bring it to ya if ya wants my son, but you’re not gonna like it.
Yank: How come?
Waitress: Eli was drying out his logans and he left the felts in there before he baked ’em.
Yank: So they don’t taste that good hey?
Waitress: Tastes like Tim Horton’s by.
Yank: Ah well, why don’t you just surprise me with a good New-FOUND-land dessert?
Waitress: We got Sex in a Pan, some good too.
Yank: Pardon?
Waitress: Sex in a Pan. You ever had it?
Yank: Well, haha, it would be a bit cramped wouldn’t it?
Waitress: Oh my God, my God, me a married woman, give it up b’y!
Yank: Aha, aha, I see something here I really like. I see you have rice pudding.
Waitress: Ya we got it all right my son.
Yank: Is it good?
Waitress: No. Eli started to make rice soup.
Yank: Uh-huh.
Waitress: Yeah, that’s what he ended up with. Looks like the world like a bowl of maggots.
Yank: Maggots?
Waitress: Yeah. That’s what it looks like.
Yank: Oh God.
Waitress: I can’t go near it b’y.
Yank: Well listen, tell me, would you tell me, tell me, is there a restaurant somewhere else in the area?
Waitress: Forty five mile up the coast.
Yank: Uh-huh, and what’s it called?
Waitress: D&C Takeout.
Yank: D&C Takeout? Okay.
Waitress: Yeah. If you’re going up that far you may as well pack a lunch.
Yank: Well, I guess I got no choice but to find something here. Uh, special, what’s your special?
Waitress: Kraft Dinner, baloney sandwiches, side order a dressing, free gravy all over it, and a free coke $16.99. Oh my God, look at the time. I gotta go my son, I can’t stick around here.
Yank: What do you mean you gotta go? What about my supper?
Waitress: I got darts.
Yank: Yeah, but I need my supper. Someone’s gotta fix my supper.
Waitress: I’ll get ya something. Eli (yeah?) Come out, there’s someone out here from Ferryland. (I’ll be right there) See ya around my son. Have a nice supper.
Yank: I, I don’t believe this. I don’t believe it.
Eli: And so you’re from Merryland are you?
Yank: Uh-huh.
Eli: Whatta ya want cause I’m in a hurry as well.
Yank: Where did she say that D&C Takeout was?